I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
