mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
