I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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