Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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