omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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