Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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