I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Welp...herpes.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
