I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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