I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
how does that bad decision feel?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
