lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize