i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
