Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize