how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
True college students do jello shots in the library
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize