You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
