I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
This toilet bowl is my home.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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