The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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