I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
