She's like a pop up book from hell.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
