I want you more than these girls want KFC
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
