...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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