We named our party play list daddy issues
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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