Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
