I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize