I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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