note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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