So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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