maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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