Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
