New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize