Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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