the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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