i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
