I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
