Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
