Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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