She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
