We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
