I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
