I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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