Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
