they need to just BURY HIM!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
