just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
