I can tuck mytits in my pants
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
