Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
