You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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