just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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