I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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