My liver just broke up with me...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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