I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize