I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
