I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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