Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
