You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize