I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize