I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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